Get to the End, Already

A friend of mine has an unusual (I’m avoiding the word I’d like to use) custom of reading the endings of books prior to starting them, thereby alleviating any unwanted tension in her life.  This perplexing habit contradicts my own insistence that endings of books, plays and movies not be divulged in any circumstances save for pacifying a blubbering child (“Honest, Sammy, E.T. is going to be just fine.”).  But I learned this week that there’s another exception to the rule.

Over the past several years, my wife and I have watched – or tried watching – a multitude of TV shows that we missed over the past decade and a half by not having cable.  Countless friends and family members said we “just have to see” this show or that show, and as our enjoyment of watching SNL and The Tonight Show kept diminishing because we didn’t understand any of the pop culture references (a cableless home has its disadvantages), we decided to catch up on various shows on Netflix.

We started with Six Feet Under and gave up after a season.  Weeds?  We lasted maybe half a season.  Mad Men?  We found it depressing and mean-spirited, which seems to be a trend in critically acclaimed cable TV shows these days.  The meaner it is, the better the critiques.  Downton Abbey:  yeah, sure, it’s well done, but it’s basically a soap opera, and I kept hoping that Luke and Laura would make an appearance to spice things up a bit.

But then we heard about Breaking Bad.  Surely this must be a show worth watching.  After all, everybody and their mother was talking about it, and I heard that even Charlie Rose was in the finale.  It had to be good!

Somehow my wife and I managed the impossible and went into the series completely ignorant about the subject matter except that it involved a meth lab.  And sure enough, after trudging through the first season and a half of unsympathetic characters, blood, murder and the unseemly underbelly of American society, I didn’t care one iota about Walt and his foray into meth production.   We’d finish a show – always expertly done – and feel kind of…assaulted, similar to how I felt after watching The Silence of the Lambs way back in ’91.

But here’s the thing: I watch TV to be entertained, not assaulted.   I guess I prefer laughing to ridiculous jokes on Scrubs than I do watching a man choke another man with a chain.  Call me crazy.

But I still felt like I needed to know the ending to Breaking Bad.  I mean, I knew what was going to happen: Walt had a terminal illness, for crying out loud.  One way or another he was !!!SPOILER ALERT!!! going to die.  But I kind of wanted to see Charlie Rose (does Charlie start doing meth?  Does he end up being murdered?), so, breaking the rule, I did what I had to do: I skipped half of season two and all of season three, four and five, and went straight to the second last episode.  Sure, there were characters I didn’t know, plot lines I had to catch up on, but I was able to follow things pretty well, and in the end, none of it really mattered anyhow.  I mean, Walt did in fact !!!SPOILER ALERT!!! die.

And now with the hours and hours of my life that I saved by not watching Breaking Bad I can watch reruns of Cheers and Scrubs.  Sure, I know the endings of those shows too, but unlike Breaking Bad, at least I’ll have a few laughs along the way.

Hmmm.  Maybe my friend who reads the endings to books first isn’t so far off the mark after all.

Stuck in Comcast Hell

I’m going to preface what I’m about to write about Comcast and their wretched customer service by stating that my internet service was eventually restored to its full capability and that the technician who assisted me at my house was outstanding: he was polite, friendly and thorough.  

However, everything proceeding that visit was bungled massively.

Two Saturdays ago, my internet went off and on several times, and when it finally went back on for good, my wired connection was fine but my wireless connection was a shadow of its former self; no longer was I able to pick up a satisfactory signal from anywhere in my home except in the same room as my modem.  At various points in my house, the download speed I measured varied from 6mbps all the way down to 1mbps.  I could no longer stream any video downstairs where I’d been doing so happily for the past five months when I switched from AT&T’s U-Verse to Comcast’s Xfinity.  I rebooted my modem a few times, read Comcast’s technical page for ideas on how to rectify the problem, and ultimately drew a conclusion: my wireless modem was shot. 

It would take me 2 hours and 40 minutes to convince Comcast of his fact and get them to schedule a tech visit.

On Monday, after collecting some data, I called Comcast.  Twice.  Both times, my call was disconnected before I could speak to a live person.  I suspect this is done on purpose, as they believe speaking to people is less efficient.  I had to resort to the dreaded Live Chat “service” that’s provided by organizations who believe that the bulk of its customers are 22 year-old geeks who are too nervous to speak to a real live human being – the kind of geek who might pass a company’s selection questionnaire with flying colors, only to blow the interview due to an inability to look someone in the eye and have a real conversation.

Alas, I am forty-six, I knew that I had a blown modem, and I wanted it replaced.  Unfortunately I  had to go through the following rigmarole – nearly three hours of hell. 

November 3, 2014, 8:30AM. 

NOTE: I had a 10:15 AM meeting, I foolishly believed that an hour and a half would be ample time to finish my chat.

Maechel: Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Maechel. Please give me one moment to review your information.

PAUL_: My Issue: I've called Xfinity twice for help, but it keeps hanging up on me. My internet when on and off several times on Saturday. Now my wired service is fine, but my wifi is extremely slow. Nothing has changed on my end.

Maechel: Thanks for contacting Comcast! I look forward to helping you today.

Maechel: Hi Paul.

Maechel: I'm sorry to learn that your internet connection is not stable.

PAUL_: Hi. I tried resetting router and restarting, but no improvement

Maechel: Rest assured I will do everything within my means to address your concern today

Maechel: First, I will be asking you a series of questions regarding your account and equipment to better help us in tackling this issue of yours. Are you good with this?

PAUL_: Yep

Maechel: At the end of this chat and once all troubleshooting steps are done, we will decide whether a next level resolution is needed- that is having a field technician dispatch or swap the modem. Are we good with these resolutions?

PAUL_: Yep

Maechel: How often does Internet go down?

PAUL_: It usually doesn't at all. On Saturday it went off and on several times. Now it's been on consistently for the last 24 hours, but wifi not working properly

Maechel: To ensure that we are checking the right equipment, please provide me your CMAC or HFC MAC address located at the back of your modem.

Maechel: It will be a 12-digit number, comprising of numbers and letters, and may be separated by colons or dashes.

PAUL_: Note: I provided this info for him. 

Maechel: Thank you for providing that information.

Maechel: Are you using a separate router?

PAUL_: No - that's it.

Maechel: Let me perform a ping test to your modem to check if there are lags.

PAUL_: That's fine. The ping wired is at about 9ms

Maechel: Here is the result: 10 packets transmitted, 10 packets received, 0% packet loss

Maechel: round-trip (ms) min/avg/max/stddev = 35.0/35.74/36.3/0.393

Maechel: The result is good so far.

Maechel: Here’s what we will do no will be sending a refresh signal to your equipment so that it can sync up to our system.

Maechel: *now

Maechel: Please be advised that we will get disconnected during the process. I need an email address where I can send a reconnect link in case you are unable to return in this chat session within 4 minutes. May I have your preferred email address?

PAUL_: Note: I provided this for him.

Maechel: Thank you! Reconnect link was successfully sent to your email.

Maechel: In case we got totally disconnected, just click on the link I sent to your email so you will be routed back to me. In case somebody else entered my chat window, you will be routed to my troubleshooting partner with the chat transcript we have so you can continue where we left off.

Maechel: I’ll be sending the signal now.

NOTE: This took a long, long time.  It finished around 9:17, so already I’ve wasted 47 minutes on this ridiculous chat.  Of course, we got disconnected…

PAUL_> We're up.  You still there?

NOTE: nope.  Have to try again...

The user has joined back using Reconnect feature

analyst Geneva has entered room

Geneva> Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Geneva. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Geneva> Thanks for contacting Comcast! I look forward to helping you today.

Geneva> Hello, Paul.

NOTE: The Internet went back out just then, at 9:22AM.  You know why?  Because my modem was shot!  At 9:36 I finally got back on.  At this point I now have at most 25 minutes before I have to leave for my meeting.

The user has joined back using Reconnect feature

analyst Ma has entered room

Ma> Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Ma. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Ma> Thank you for choosing Comcast, home of Xfinity. You may just call me Maria for your convenience.

PAUL_> HI.  My internet went down again while I was chatting.  I'm back on-line, but I have to leave in 10 minutes.

Ma> I hope you are doing well. I would be more than happy to assist you with your concern today

Ma> I understand that you are not having the maximum speed that your internet service is offering. Let me go ahead and check that for you.

NOTE: So now I’m having to explain things all over again.  Thank you Comcast!

PAUL_> Wired is fine.  But wifi is really bad, especially if I walk out of the room with the router.  It was fine last week, but things stopped working well on Saturday.

Ma> Alright.

Ma> Thanks for letting me know.

Ma> Let me check your account first. May I have 2-3 minutes?

PAUL_> Sure, but I have to go in 12 minutes.  I've already been at this for 75 minutes.

Ma> I understand where you're coming from, Paul.

Ma> Let me speed up the process for you.

Ma> Paul, I am currently checking your account right now.

PAUL_> Okay.  It seems likely that something is wrong with my router.

Ma> Have you tried connecting hardwired?

NOTE: WTF????  Is there no way for her to access the previous conversation I had?  I’m doing everything in my ability not to lash out at her (him, whatever).

PAUL_> Yes, of course.  I've already said that my wired speed is fine.  Wifi is terrible.  So our phone connections are bad as is out Roku box in a different room.

Ma> Okay.

Ma> Thanks for letting me know.

Ma> Can you please run a speedtest by going to http://speedtest.comcast.net and then post the result link in the chatroom afterwards so we can compare your speeds later.

NOTE:  Holy s**t.

PAUL_> Already did this.  Wired is good, around 29mbps download.  6mpbs upload.  Wireless is the same room is around 13mbps download, 6 upload.  BUT as soon as I leave the room I get awful results.  If I'm downstairs (where it was fine before) I get .42mbps download.  Even if I'm just one room away, I get 1.91 mbps

Ma> Thanks for the doing the extra mile, Paul.

Ma> Let me do the troubleshooting steps for you so that we can figure out what's the main cause of this.

PAUL_> I have to go.  So basically this is the situation: the range of a good wifi signal has decreased dramatically.  Other than a router problem, I don't know what else it could be.  Can you please get someone to come over to my house and replace the router?  Send me a link or a phone number so I don't have to rewrite any of this information.

NOTE: it s now 9:58 AM.

Ma> Sure, I can certainly process that for you. Just please a give me a minute to furnish the note and schedule a tech visit for you.

Ma> I want to know if we are still connected. Are you still there?

PAUL_> Yes, but I'm leaving in 1 minute

Ma> May I know if you're equipment was self installed or tech installed?

PAUL_> Tech installed.  Last May I think.  Worked fine until a few days ago.

Ma> Alright. I will just furnish the note now and we're good to go.

PAUL_> I'm leaving now.  Please send email to paulheinz6@gmail.com

PAUL_> Thanks for your help

NOTE: Did she (he?) send me an email?  Of course not!  Which meant that when I arrived back home at 12:35PM, I had to start ALL OVER AGAIN!!!  I entered this next chat with much less patience than before.  Unfortunately, it would be 1 hour and 16 minutes before the chat ended.  I kept going back and forth between expressing my anger and recognizing that my chat could be “accidentally” terminated at any time.  It was a tough balancing act.

user PAUL has entered room

The user has joined back using Reconnect feature

analyst Kaye has entered room

Kaye> Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Kaye. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Kaye> I hope you are doing well. I would be more than happy to assist you with your concern today.

PAUL_> Thanks. I had to end the last chat to go to a meeting.  I don't know how much of my info you already have, but I can copy for you the chat exchanges that have already taken place.

NOTE: please note that I offered to copy my previous exchange.  She will decline this offer, which I will assume means she has access to my information.

Kaye> I understand that you are not having the maximum speed that your internet service is offering. Let me go ahead and check that for you.

PAUL_> Wait...I don't want to repeat what's already been done.  The last chat ended with "Just please a give me a minute to furnish the note and schedule a tech visit for you." But I waited and then I had to go.  So a note needs to be furnished and a tech visit scheduled.

Kaye> Let me go ahead and check for your account, Paul.

Kaye> I acknowledge the importance of a working and stable Internet connection as I also use the Internet for work and online gaming. You just reached the right person and I assure you that we will work on this together to have your connection back.

Kaye> We need to go on with some trouble shooting steps first.

NOTE: So instead of believing that my previous tech chat ended with me needing a tech visit schedule, Kaye decided to start at the very beginning.

PAUL_> But it sounds like we're starting from the beginning, and I don't want to start all of this over.  I've already chatted with THREE people and we did all of the trouble shooting.  My last chat ended with a tech visit needing to be scheduled.  Why can't we go ahead with this???

PAUL_> Here's how the last chat ended...

PAUL_> I have to go.  So basically this is the situation: the range of a good wifi signal has decreased dramatically.  Other than a router problem, I don't know what else it could be.  Can you please get someone to come over to my house and replace the router?  Send me a link or a phone number so I don't have to rewrite any of this information.

Ma> Sure, I can certainly process that for you. Just please a give me a minute to furnish the note and schedule a tech visit for you.

Ma> I want to know if we are still connected. Are you still there?

PAUL_> Yes, but I'm leaving in 1 minute

Ma> May I know if you're equipment was self installed or tech installed?

PAUL_> Tech installed.  Last May I think.  Worked fine until a few days ago.

Ma> Alright. I will just furnish the note now and we're good to go.

Kaye> Thank you for providing that information.

Kaye> I'm still checking for your account. Please stay online.

PAUL_> As I said before, to catch you up to speed, I can copy for you the chat exchanges that have already taken place.  Let me know if you'd like me to do that.

Kaye> It's fine, Paul. I'll go ahead and process a priority request for you.

NOTE: She SAYS this, but then decides to go back to the usual troubleshooting nonsense meant for people like my mother who have to technological clue.

Kaye> Have you tried connecting hardwired already?

PAUL_> Yes, of course.  I've already said that my wired speed is fine.  Wifi is terrible.  So our smartphone wifi connections are bad as is out Roku box in a different room.

PAUL_> Wired is good, around 29mbps download.  6mpbs upload.  Wireless is the same room is around 13mbps download, 6 upload.  BUT as soon as I leave the room I get awful results.  If I'm downstairs (where it was fine before) I get .42mbps download.  Even if I'm just one room away, I get 1.91 mbps

Kaye> It's because of the barriers that's why you encounter slow connection if your downstairs already.

NOTE:  Now I’m extremely pissed. 

PAUL_> No it isn't!!  Last week I was watching movies in my basement.  Now I'm getting .42mbps download!  Last week everything was fine.  This week it isn't.  Nothing has changed on my end.  Why can't I simply get someone to swap the router??  This conversation is ridiculously infuriating.

Kaye> I apologize for the inconvenience, Paul.

PAUL_> That isn't good enough.  I have spent 2 hours now "chatting" with Xfinity reps and I don't have time to spend all day on this.  Please hear me: for four months my wifi has been terrific.  But on Saturday, everything changed.  Why is that?  The only thing I can think of is the router is faulty.  A previous tech already synched up my router and it didn't improve performance.  Nothing on my end has changed.  So why has the wifi suddenly dropped to a snail's pace?

Kaye> I'm already processing a priority request here in my end. Please bear with me, Paul.

PAUL_> Can you tell me what that means?  What is a priority request?

Kaye> So that we can send a technician and fix your internet concern, Paul.

Kaye> I will need to have the speed test result for this. So that I can include it on my notes to have a priority request.

PAUL_> I already sent you speed test results.

PAUL_> When I'm about 20 feet away with no walls in between, I get 48ms ping, 2.22 Mbps and 5.96 Mbps upload.  The upload speed is pretty good, but the download is drastically low.

Kaye> Can you run speed test as of this moment? http://speedtest.comcast.net.

NOTE: I’d already done this, but felt at this point that I needed to mollify Kaye.

PAUL_> From where?  Right next to the router or a distance away?

Kaye> A distance away.

PAUL_> Just did it 20 feet away with no walls or doors in between me and the router.  The results are: ping 36ms, download speed 2.57 Mbps and upload speed 6.00 Mbps

Kaye> Can you please send the result link?

NOTE: There was no obvious way to do this from my phone.  From my computer, yes, but not the phone.

PAUL_> How?  I just did the test on my phone and gave you the numbers.  How would I send a link?

Kaye> Okay, Paul.

Kaye> Allow me a moment to process your request.

NOTE: after ten minutes I sent the following…

PAUL_> Can you give me an estimate of how long this will take?

Kaye> Just give me 3-4 minutes.

NOTE: this was at 1:14

Kaye> I apologize for the late reply, Paul.

Kaye> I'm still on the process.

Kaye> Can I have the exact day when you experience the issue?

NOTE: AHHHHHH!

PAUL_> Saturday.  The Internet went off and on a number of times.  I thought it might be because of the strong winds on Friday. The connection went back on for good I think on Saturday night.

NOTE: it’s now 1:25

Kaye> Okay.

Kaye> Thank you for providing that information.

Kaye> Is this a self installed or the technician installed your equipment.

NOTE: by now I’m banging my head against my desk.  I’d already provided this information HOURS ago.

PAUL_> I already sent you this information.  A technician installed it last May, I believe.

Kaye> Thanks you. I apologize for asking the question again.

PAUL_> Fifteen minutes ago, you said you would need another 3 or 4 minutes.  In order for me to properly schedule my work, can you now give me a realistic estimate of how much more time this is going to take?

Kaye> I apologize for the delay. I'm already trying to speed up the process.

PAUL_> That's not the question: the question I'm asking is can you please give me a realistic estimate of how much more time this is going to take? If you tell me 30 minutes, then I at least know that it might take 30 minutes.  You told me 3 or 4, so I assumed it would take 3 or 4 minutes.  Now please give me a realistic estimate.

Note: it’s now 1:31PM

Kaye> This will be done with in 5 minutes. Please bear with me.

NOTE: um…no.  I would not be done in five minutes.

Kaye> The soonest schedule that we have is on Tuesday with in 3:00-5:00 p,

Kaye> I can see that you would like me to provision this modem to our customer's account which I can surely help you with. Did I get this right?

Kaye> Sorry for the typo.  Please disregard that last message.

NOTE: Clearly, Kaye is dealing multiple customers as once, which is in Comcast’s mind a better way to go, since a phone call you can only effectively deal with one customer at a time.  In my mind, Comcast blew it.

Kaye> Is 3:00-5:00 okay with you?

PAUL_> Okay.  So tomorrow between 3 and 5?  Unfortunately I have to leave at 4 tomorrow.  If they can be here at 3 it would be okay.  Otherwise, is there a time on Wednesday?

Kaye> Yes there is. We have 8:00-10:00am . Is that fine?

PAUL_> Perfect.

Kaye> That's great! I will be taking the 8:00-10:00am for you.

Kaye> This is your priority number (she gave me a priority number)

Kaye> So everything is set?

Kaye> Is there anything else I could assist you with today?

PAUL_> Tell me now what happens.  Will I get a phone call?  If I need to contact Xfinity regarding the tech visit, who should I call?

Kaye> Yes. The technician will call you before the tech visit. You can chat us back if you want to inquire regarding the tech visit.

PAUL_> This chat lasted 1 hour and 20 minutes to get a priority request.

PAUL_> Unbelievable.

Kaye> You can also call this number 1-800-XFINITY

Kaye> I apologize for the inconvenience, Paul.

PAUL_> I tried calling twice this morning, and I got hung up on twice.  That's why I ended up spending several hours chatting.

Kaye> It seems that our hotline number has a maximum number of calls that is why they were not able to attend with your request. Nothing to worry. You will have the technician on Wednesday.

NOTE: that is complete bulls**t

PAUL_> Okay.  So I'll hear from tech on Wednesday and expect to see them between 8 and 10AM.

Kaye> Exactly!

Kaye> Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

PAUL_> No thanks.

Kaye> If you need future assistance, we are available 24 hours a days and 7 days a week. Thank you for choosing Comcast for your entertainment needs. We appreciate your business and value you as a customer! Our goal is to provide you with a consistently superior customer experience – that’s our guarantee. Learn more about the Comcast Customer Guarantee at http://www.comcast.com/corporate/Customers/CustomerGuarantee.html?fss=customer%20guarantee

(CHAT ENDED AT 1:51PM)

Two days later a tech came – real nice guy, and did some things on the outside of the house to make sure I had the best connection.  Of course, in the end all I needed was a new modem as I knew all along, but whatever.  At least things were working, right?  And then…

…I realized that I didn’t have phone service.  The light on the modem just blinks and blinks.  No dial tone.

user PAUL has entered room

analyst Renelie has entered room

Renelie: Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Renelie. Please give me one moment to review your information.

PAUL_: My Issue: Comcast tech just swapped a faulty modem today for a good one in my home. We checked the Internet (which was the problem) and that's great, but now I have no phone. Phone modem light flashing, and my phone is plugged directly into modem.

Renelie: I'm sorry to know that your Xfinity home phone service is not working at the moment, Paul. I rely on my phone for important calls myself, and I wouldn't want any interruptions either.

Renelie: You've reached the right person. I will personally work on this today. Let’s see what is going on and get this fixed for you.

Renelie: I will be asking a couple of questions to troubleshoot the issue and so that we can get to the bottom of this. Is that alright?

PAUL_: You bet.

Renelie: Thank you for your cooperation. May I have the affected Comcast phone number please?

PAUL_: I'm at (I provided my telephone number)

Renelie: Thank you for providing that information.

Renelie: Can you check if the TEL 1 light on the new modem is lit?

PAUL_: Tel 1 is flashing, once per second.

Renelie: Thank you for checking. Allow me to send an activation hit to the modem to reset and refresh the equipment and the line.

Renelie: We will get interrupted on this chat once this action is made. However, please do not close this chat session since we will be reconnected once the device is back online, okay?

PAUL_: Sounds good.

Renelie: Before that, can you please unplug your phone from the modem for now? I need the TEL 1 port to be empty.

PAUL_: Okay. It's unplugged.

Renelie: Thanks. I will reset the modem now.

PAUL_: I already did that, but if you want to try again go ahead

NOTE: Reset started at 4:02.  Took until 4:12

user PAUL_ has left room

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user PAUL has entered room

Renelie: Great! I can see that the reset has been successful. Let's give the modem a minute more to complete registration.

PAUL_: Okay. Let me know when you'd like me to plug the phone back in.

Renelie: Please replug your phone to the TEL 1 port now and confirm if you are already getting a dial tone.

PAUL_: It worked this time. Got a tone. You think I should be good to go?

She said I was (I forgot to copy this part of the chat) and then gave an ill-timed sales pitch for cable, which I don't have. 

So...what’s the take away from all of this? To me, Comcast clearly has its collective head stuck up its collective ass.  And they owe me three hours of my life back.  Here’s their customer guarantee:

We will quickly address any problem you experience.

Comcast’s definition of “quickly” is clearly not the same as mine.

Of Tina Fey, Randy Newman, Ebola and Kate Upton

In 1999, Randy Newman sang these words: “I have nothing left to say, but I’m going to say it anyway” and “Each record that I’m making is like a record that I’ve made, just not as good.”  In Newman’s inimitable self-deprecating style, it comes of both hilarious and ironic, since his album Bad Love is arguably among the artist’s best efforts; it’s actually my favorite album of his illustrious career.

I too have nothing left to say, it seems, as I’ve spent the last month pursuing activities that include not a word written, a note composed nor a chord recorded.  However, since I recognize that age forty-six is quite a long way from the coffin (once can hope, at least) that I better begin writing something or I’ll simply have to go the way of Billy Joel and call it a career (without, um…the actual career).  I figure, if Bob Seger can come up with something say even after no one cares, why not me?

So here goes…just a few things on my mind:

I’d be a lot happier for the Kansas City Royals were it not for all the former Brewers.  A little glimpse of what might have been.

I could not be less worried about Ebola.  So why is it taking up so much news time?  Somewhere around 32,000 U.S. citizens die from influenza each year, garnering less than a front page headline.

In a perfect world, I would be that guy who reads The New Yorker, The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal, I'd be up on my politics, I'd have read all the classics and I’d know three languages.   Alas, I am not that guy. 

Tina Fey, while an excellent writer and comedic genius, is no dramatic actress, and the film “This is Where I Leave You” suffers as a result, not to mention that author Jonathan Tropper writes his own screenplay and is just a little too faithful to his original work.  Sometimes an editor is necessary.

If an artist is going to go through the trouble of printing out its song lyrics with a CD, wouldn’t you suppose the lyrics should be easy to read?  Yeah, I’m talking to you, Rufus Wainwright, The Shins and Dave Matthews and Pink Floyd and Prince and…

The fall of the Milwaukee Brewers, as demoralizing as it was to witness, did in fact prove my preseason prediction correct.  On March 26 I wrote to some friends, “I said between 83 and 85 wins (earlier).  I'm going to go on the low side.  83-79, good enough for third place, but no playoff.”  The Crew finished 82-80.  Third place.  No playoffs.  I’d rather have been wrong.

I’ve heard that you should never look at another woman who’s younger than half your age plus seven years.  So for me, that’s thirty years of age.  Kate Upton is twenty-two.  So yeah, I’m failing that test.

Running once every six months does in fact make the run much more painful.  I finished a 5K last month in relatively good time and felt it for three days.

If my daughters are any indication, senior year of high school is no longer considered a fun year (mine was a blast).  They have been trudging through their existence, almost as if they were well into their second decade of a dead-end job that earns little pay.  I guess, in a way, they are into their second decade of a dead-end job with little pay, except that this year there is an end, and a year from now their lives will dramatically improve.  But for goodness’ sake, whatever happened to the notion of enjoying the ride?

Some gifts keep on giving: the vertebra I fractured in December of 1990 is coming back to wreak havoc on my neck.  Perhaps I should have taken a beginners lesson after all.  Unfortunately I was immortal when I was twenty-two.

In the category of “Lessons You’ve Learned but Don’t Heed,” I went on a record and CD-buying binge last month, and now I feel the stress of having all these albums that need listening too.  Perhaps this is why I have nothing left to say: I’m too busy listening to music!

Are We Entitled to Make a Living Doing What We Love To Do?

The movie 20 Feet From Stardom – and if you haven’t seen it, you should – has sparked many conversations with my musical brethren, most of whom point to two scenes that they found particularly poignant, both involving the amazing vocalist Merry Clayton.  Never heard of her?  Don’t worry about it.  You have, in fact, heard her. 

The first aforementioned scene shows Clayton and Mick Jagger listening to the isolated vocal track of Clayton’s performance on The Rolling Stones’ song, “Gimme Shelter.”  It’s one of those performances that summons emotions in me that I’m unable to put into words.  Hearing the track, coupled with watching the singers respond to it, gave me chills and brought me to tears.  Just thinking about it gives me the chills.  Not too shabby for a song I’ve probably heard a couple hundred times.

The second scene has Clayton recalling how her attempts at stardom in the 70s resulted in three albums that sold poorly.  She says, her voice cracking, “I felt like if I just gave my heart to what I was doing, I would automatically be a star.”

No one could blame her or countless others for this belief.  After all, we hear it all the time: Follow your dream.  Do what you love.  Cinderella sang about it.  So did Aerosmith and a thousand other bands.  Hell, even I’ve written about it. Graduation speeches promote it.  Websites are devoted to it.  An industry of inspiring posters capitalizes on it.  It’s what parents want for their children.  It’s what children want for themselves when they become adults.  And I think there’s a kernel of good advice in that sentiment.  Do what you love to do.

And yet…

Are we entitled to make a living at it?  What a luxury it is to even be asking the question! In the history of humankind, how long has this idea of doing what one loves to do for a living been given even the slightest consideration?  For me, it brings to mind centuries of apprentices toiling in atrocious working conditions, slaves enduring worse, millennia of farmers laboring over the land, generations of immigrants, past and present, suffering through the most strenuous jobs for the littlest of pay.

I wonder how many people historically have had the luxury of saying, “I want to do this for a living.”  How many people living today can devote a realistic thought to the notion?  The starving worry about food, the terrorized worry about safety, and the poor worry about making a better living. 

So the fact that some of us are able to entertain the notion of doing what we love to do is already a blessing of blessings.  Let’s start there.  But should we be able to make a living doing what we love to do?  Well, that all depends, doesn’t it?  I could get into an analysis I suppose of capitalism, supply, demand, education, market saturation, etc., but what it all comes down is that sometimes jobs are in demand, sometimes they aren’t, and sometimes there’s never demand for what you love to do. 

Our grandparents, especially those who were the first in their family to go to college, probably didn’t give this a second thought, and majored in what was going to guarantee them a job. Right now, it seems like nursing is a good profession to go into.  I have a niece pursuing this as I write, and her prospects look good.  In a decade, who knows?  Engineering looks very promising at present.  Architecture, not so much. Then again, I know an architect in Milwaukee who is living her dream.  You just never know.  The entertainment industry, of course, is even more fickle.  Some musicians can make a decent living at it.  Others become superstars.  Others still can barely get by.  It isn’t fair, but that’s the way it is.  In 20 Feet from Stardom, singer/songwriter Stings says, “It’s not about fairness.  It’s not really about talent.  It’s circumstances.  It’s luck.  It’s destiny.  I don’t know what it is.”

And shouldn’t this be the case?  After all, if I could make a living watching baseball on TV, I would do it in a heartbeat.  I know people who love to fish.  Does that mean they should be earning a living at it?  I know people who love nothing more than to play a round of golf.  Does that mean they should get paid for it?

For me, I think the answer is this: do what you love.  Pursue it.  Immerse yourself in it.  And if you’re able to, do it for a living.  But either way, don’t stop.  I stopped playing music and writing fiction for a while back in ’94 and ’95, and then again in the early 2000s.  You know what?  I found myself out of sorts.  Unfulfilled.  Unpleasant at times.  Well, duh.  I wasn’t doing what I loved to do.  Now I make a little supplemental family income and I get to write fiction and play with fabulous musicians and create good – sometimes great – music.  It isn’t superstardom, but so what?

I have musician friends, some of whom play or sing for a living, and it isn’t easy.  I’m sure they had thoughts of stardom when they were air-guitaring in front of the mirror in 1985, but despite the difficulties, they’ve chosen to keep doing what they can to earn a living playing music.  Other people I know had thoughts of stardom but decided to go into teaching or engineering or accounting.  But they haven’t stopped playing.

I wish Merry Clayton had made it big.  I wish lots of people had made it big.  But there’s no reason they should have, just like there’s no reason I should be paid to watch baseball.  That’s life.  I have two daughters who in a year’s time will be majoring in fields of study that guarantee them nothing except a degree in four years.  What happens beyond that is anyone’s guess.  But I hope in twenty years, both of them are still pursuing their love, whether it’s during the week from 8 to 5, or on evenings and weekends.  Either way, they will be successes in my book. 

And you know what?  Merry Clayton is a star in my book, too.  To hell with superstardom.

Rock Star For a Day

A serendipitous twist propelled my bandmates and me into a realm of temporary rock stardom last week while at the same time a good-natured musician named Izzy was relegated to the role of story-teller.

Many months ago, Izzy gave Paula Lorenzo-Tackett, director of Cache Creek Casino Resort in Brooks, California a business card for his band, 2^nd Time Around.  There are countless bands called 2^nd Time Around, or in my band’s case, “Second Time Around,” and lo and behold, after searching on-line for a while, Ms. Lorenzo-Tackett happened upon the website of a band from Barringon, Illinois, liked the promotional video, and decided to ask them to perform at the sixth anniversary celebration of her restaurant, the Road Trip Bar and Grill of Capay, California.

My bandmates and I didn’t quite understand the request.  We are a very good classic-rock band, to be sure, but performing around the Chicago area these past several years has taught us nothing if not a healthy dose of humility.  There are many, many good bands out there, and we know that our performances can always be improved, our transitions and endings made tighter, our stage-presence refined, and we know that there are countless amazing performers within the California border.  So it was with a degree of skepticism that we accepted the invitation to fly out to the West Coast, all the while wondering if it was too good to be true.

It wasn’t.  For two days we were treated like royalty, as Ms. Lorenzo-Tackett flew with us on a chartered jet to Sacramento, accompanied us on a stretch limo to her restaurant and casino, and then treated us to a state-of-the-art stage, lights and sound system, not to mention a wonderful stay at the beautiful Cache Creek Casino Resort.  The Entertainment Technical Manager at the casino, James Taylor, told me stories about his time working with Amy Grant and Blackfoot, and how when he got the call to work at Cache Creek he couldn’t turn it down because it was evident that the ownership believed in doing things the right way.  Strolling along the runways on the theater’s perimeter, I glanced at the photos of other performers who have graced the stage at Cache Creek – Ringo Star, Melissa Etheridge, Jay Leno, Smokey Robinson, etc. – and it was clear that doing things the right way had led to some wonderful performances.  And here we were, a cover band from Chicago, getting to play in front of 475 people in a spectacularly-decorated room with several audio and video experts working diligently to coax as good a performance out of us as possible.

For three sets, we performed our hearts out, hoping we would do right by the folks at Cache Creek, and ultimately, we think we did.  We had a blast, the crowd danced and yelled for more, and Paula and her husband Jerry gave us high praise.  Whether or not we were deserving of it, we didn’t know.  We just knew we had given it our all.

The leaders of Second Time Around, Johnny and Angie Fridono, are believers in karma.  Treat people right, and you’ll be treated right.  I’ve only been in the band for the past year, so I feel like I got to ride the coattails of decades of Johnny and Angie treating people right.  Who knew when I responded to a “keyboardist wanted” ad last year that it would lead to such an incredible journey?

At the show’s end, there was Izzy, clapping his hands in front of the stage.  I introduced myself, and he said, “I’m in a band called 2^nd Time Around too, and I’m the reason you’re here!”  He told me the story, and I wondered if he was going to be bitter about seeing a different band perform where his band had hoped to play.  But Izzy said graciously, “You guys are TEN TIMES better than we are.”  Izzy seems like another guy who treats people right, and I hope that karma catches up to him sometime and offers him the gig of a lifetime.