Expressing Love

One of my daughters got married last weekend on a lovely, sunny day in Louisville, and it was a joyous, celebratory affair. I couldn’t be more delighted with the weekend in general and the ceremony in particular, where it was impossible not to take note of just how well my daughter and her husband articulated their love for each other. Their vows were incredible, describing feelings that I would be hard-pressed to come up with if I were asked why I love my wife of thirty years. We exchanged vows back in 1995, but I’ll be darned if I can remember them now, and I’m pretty she we didn’t even write them. I think we found them in a wedding book somewhere, maybe taking lines from various readings to compile a sort of “greatest hits,” in stark contrast to the personalized masterpieces I heard last weekend.

Even today, while my wife and I say “I love you” regularly, neither of us are all that well-versed in communicating affection. Our relationship is still wonderful and we’re madly in love with each other, but on an average day, the most loving thing I might hear from my wife is “I like your butt.” And honestly, as I ceaselessly approach age 60, I’ll take it!

I think of the characters Tevya and Golde from the musical Fiddler on the Roof. When Tevya asks his wife, “Do you love me?” she responds with a degree of surprise and indignation, “Do I WHAT?” She then gives a laundry list of all the chores she’s done for her husband for the past twenty-five years, before finally concluding by the song’s end, “I suppose I do.” Tevya must have swooned upon hearing that touching line!

My wife and I aren’t that bad, but the reality is that we both came from somewhat emotionally repressed families. Not bad families, but not overly demonstrative. Grudges were had. Silent treatments were plentiful. Distances were built. It was tricky, and for a guy like me who wasn’t overly confident to begin with, navigating the world of dating where articulating affection and tenderness were prerequisites, well, let’s just say my track record wasn’t stellar.

After I met my future wife, saying “I love you” and showing tenderness came more easily, but it was limited to her and her only (and eventually my children). It took many, many years before I felt somewhat comfortable hugging friends. It’s still not my favorite way of saying hello. My father and I haven’t hugged since the 1970s. My brother and I have never hugged. We shake hands. It’s ridiculous, but such is the legacy of our upbringings.

Watching my daughter last weekend – and observing my other two children show their joy and kindness – I get the sense that generation by generation our family is slowly but surely shedding the residue of our stern, German heritage, and embracing something more welcoming, more understanding, more loving and more supportive. I feel like my wife and I took baby steps in that direction, and now our children are taking that baton and running with it to a whole new level of open communication.

Acting as Badly as Billionaires

After the end of the supposed decade of greed of the 1980s, Cy Curnin of the band The Fixx sang the following lines:

How much is enough when your soul is empty?
How much is enough in the land of plenty?
When you have all you want and you still feel nothing
How much is enough, is enough?

How much is enough?
Buy, buy, buy
Buy, buy, buy

We're drowning in possessions

If Cy had only known then how things would evolve over the next 35 years, as income inequality proved ever-widening, he and his bandmates might have waited to release the song.

Those with obscene amounts of money are wielding unprecedented power in the United States, and it’s easy to be disheartened by the lack of compassion and the massive consumption of the uber-wealthy today. I think actor Jesse Eisenberg said it best when he appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher in January of 2025 and had this to say about tech billionaires and politics:

”If you’re so rich and powerful, why are you not just spending your days doing good things for the world?”

Good question. And while it’s tempting to hop on that bandwagon and lambast Bezos, Musk, Zuckerberg and the like, it might also be time to look in the mirror and question our own motives in life, because from where I’m standing, there’s a lot of “amass as much wealth as you can, retire and live out your days in a gated community somewhere” mentality.

It’s true for some relatives of mine. It’s true for many friends of mine. And if I’m being honest, it’s true for me and my family. I spend a lot of time watching financial videos by Rob Berger on YouTube, reading articles on Investopedia and Motley Fool, updating spreadsheets and forecasting when my wife can retire. It’s not like this is foolish behavior – financial literacy and planning are important – but what exactly is the goal here? When the world appears to be headed for irreversible disaster, am I just hoping to ride off into the sunset and escape from reality?

The antidote for this type of mentality – whether you’re a billionaire or otherwise – is to get involved. Find a cause or causes that you feel strongly about, and start contributing, not just financially, but with your time. I was teaching English for a few years, and since that petered out a year ago I’ve made a few modest attempts to find something new to contribute to, but so far those have gone nowhere. One of the sad truths in life is that non-profits aren’t always well-organized and often lead to wasted time and dead ends. But when that happens, it isn’t time to give up on volunteering; it’s time to find a different non-profit.

Volunteering boosts one’s outlook on life, creates social connections with like-minded people, leads you out of the bubble you’ve been living in, and makes a difference in the lives of people or the lives of plants and animals. Those differences might be small, but that’s okay. If you’ve ever been in need of a little help, you know how important small acts of kindness can be.

So don’t follow the blueprint of billionaires. Don’t look at life as a way to accumulate wealth and ride out the rest of your lives in a bubble. Get involved.

Low-Stakes Home Improvement

Spring is upon us (sort of), and that’s the time of year when I look around my house to see if anything needs improving. Sure, I could always paint a room, but that’s tedious and unfulfilling. No, for me it’s all about tackling low-stakes home improvement projects that require planning, a degree of ingenuity, power tools, and significant time. Little in life gives me more pleasure. A project that’s low-stakes is key. I’ve done some high-stakes projects as well, and those lead to stress, second-guessing, and safety concerns, but low-stakes projects are like a walk through the park on a mild day. Last summer I built shelving for my kitchen pantry, and that was perfect. There was no chance of my losing a digit and there was no significant risk, save for a shelf of canned goods collapsing.

This particular project probably only took me a day to execute, but it was the planning that took a week or more. I thought about it from every angle, measured and remeasured, watched videos on something called a pocket jig (who knew?), purchased said jig at Menard’s and perused shelving possibilities (Natural wood? Primed? Coated? Size?), read up on how best to anchor the sideboard into a wall that lacked properly-aligned studs...in short, I overplanned, but by the time it came to execution, well, I was ready.

And for me, planning is absolutely necessary, because I have no natural ability and have had no schooling of any kind except The Home Depot Home Improvement 1-2-3 book that my brother-in-law purchased for me back in 1997 when my wife and I moved into our first home. This was a game-changer. After all, I had never heard the words “home” and “improvement” in the same sentence in my childhood home. Sure, my mother could strip furniture and throw on coats of stain and varnish, but the only time I recall my father trying to fix something, it resulted in blood and lots of swear words, so I knew to stay clear of tools and manual projects.

When I purchased a house, I noticed all sorts of things that needed fixing, but I knew nothing. I mean, NOTHING. How do you swap out an electric outlet? No clue. How do you strip wallpaper? No clue. How do you take out a carpet and tack strips? No clue. My wife had married a man who was about as handy as screen door on a submarine.

But I was curious, I was motivated, and I wasn’t afraid to ask questions and try things. Back in these days before YouTube, it was my friend Rick who saved the day, sending me long, detailed emails that walked me through various tasks.  What he sometimes failed to realize was that I didn’t even know how to use a tool properly. I recall the first time I made a cut with a circular saw as part of a project to build my own music rackmount box: my hands were shaking, I was so terrified, sure that I was about to lose a finger or an eye. Today, I have to remind myself to wear eye protection when making a cut. I’ve come a long way.

Since then I’ve tackled all sorts of projects, including some that make me shudder today, as in “That was kind of crazy – I’m not going to do THAT again.” I’m no longer willing to do those. But projects like adding stairway railings or building record racks or installing pantry shelves? You betcha.

Say it with me: low stakes.

So I’m going to spend the next several months ascertaining which project to accomplish, a few more months planning said project, and by the fall I might be ready to put the plan into action!

A to Z Music Challenge

On the podcast 1000 Greatest Misses, co-host Chris and I submitted the following music challenge to our listeners: you’re sent to a desert island and are allowed to take with you the recordings of only 26 artists - one for each letter of the alphabet. Who do you choose? This challenge comes courtesy of my daughter and her partner who needed to kill some time while driving through Indiana last Thanksgiving. And what a great time suck it was!

Chris and I were delighted by the number of responses we received from listeners, further proving the point that although people aren’t always willing to tackle the pressing issues of our times, they will happily piss away a few hours on a completely frivolous endeavor! We thought it would be helpful to include everyone’s picks in one place so that they might inspire further investigation. There are tons of choices of artists I’ve never even heard of, much less listened to, and I hope to check some of them out in the days ahead.

For me, I stuck to rock and pop and didn’t go down the jazz or classical rabbit holes. Some letters - B, C, J, P, S - were exceptionally difficult, while others - G, N, O, Q, U, Y - were absolute no-brainers.

Consider coming up with your own choices before perusing the lists below. Please ignore misspelling, and please don’t shoot the messenger when it comes to entries that should have been disqualified (Elvis Costello as an E entry, for example); Chris and I didn’t catch some of these as they came pouring in toward the end of our podcast challenge. Also, consider checking out author S.W. Lauden’s Substack where he addresses the same music challenge. And yes, I am aware than Ken was messing with us when he chose acts like USA for Africa and Pia Zadora. All good!

Five Power Pop Gems

One of the benefits of co-hosting the podcast 1000 Greatest Misses has been getting introduced to music lovers whose knowledge far surpasses my own. It can be humbling, to be sure, but also exciting, because I get to broaden my understanding of music and some of the people who’ve made an impact on the industry. Last June, my podcast partner Chris and I were privileged to interview S.W. .Lauden, not only a killer musician and uber music fan, but also an accomplished author whose Substack Remember the Lightning explores power pop and indie rock in fun, creative and informative ways.

On his Substack, Lauden has an on-going series called ‘Is It Power Pop?!” in which special guests recommend five great power pop tracks that music fans should be aware of. I had the pleasure of submitting this week’s entry, and I have to say, writing about music is much harder than playing music, but I did my best and chose five killer tracks. You can check out my entire essay on Lauden’s site, but below are my choices. Some might teeter on the edges of power pop, but they’re all great songs:

“Money’s No Good” by Off Broadway
”Here Comes Sally” by Glen Burtnick
”She’s So Young” by The Pursuit of Happiness
”Our Story” by The Judy Bats
”Caught in the Middle” by The Red Button

Be sure to click subscribe on Lauden’s Substack, and also check out his music-related books, both fiction and non-fiction. The guy’s a gem! You can hear our interview with Lauden on episode 111 of 1000 Greatest Misses.