Saying No to College Competition

Confucius may have said it first, but I remember the following quote best from The Brady Bunch Movie in which Mike Brady tells his children, “And as a wise man once said, 'wherever you go....there you are.'” (see 0:33)

Parents of high schoolers may have a hard time embracing this little tidbit when it comes to preparing their kids for college, when so many forces tell us that where you attend college is the most important decision you and your child well ever make.  It's hard not to get stuck in idea of achieving at all costs.  Case in point: while volunteering last week at Feed My Starving Children, I sat next to two women of high school sophomores and heard them discuss their kids’ impending college searches, and phrases like “ACT practice test,” “hire a tutor” and “a good college resume-builder” peppered their conversation.  I got the feeling that while packing food for the starving was all well and good, adding an entry for next year’s college applications was even better. 

They’re not alone.  The race to college is a national phenomenon that for many begins in the toddler years and lets up only with an acceptance letter from Harvard. 

Last March, Brigid Schulte of The Washington Post authored an excellent article about “the parenting arms race.”  In it, she highlights the story of Wilma Bowers, whose daughter was sneered at by fellow classmates after applying to James Madison University – a fine school by all accounts, but in the community of McLean, Virginia, anything short of Ivy League or Stanford is considered “settling.” (if you have time, read the comments section of this article as well – enlightening stuff).

This idea isn’t confined to hyper-competitive parents and their children.  A very down-to-earth friend of mine told me her son waffled a bit about attending a university in Colorado because part of him felt like he hadn’t pushed himself to get into a more highly-ranked school, and one of my own daughters has made similar comments.

But it’s important to consider the wisdom of Confucius and Mike Brady.  After all, you take yourself with you wherever you go, and if you’re a person who’s going to succeed (however that’s defined), you will succeed regardless of the school you attend.  Sure, going to college is important for many people, but where you go to school?  Not so much, even if you do happen to consider earnings the best measure of success.  According to a study by Stacy Dale, it’s the level of school a student is accepted to, and not where the student ends up going, that best determines future financial success.  And today’s CEOs of major U.S. corporations come from a more diverse group of schools than in the past, when graduation from an Ivy League school was more of a prerequisite.

A recent phrase that's been used recently is "authentic success," but it's really just common sense: do something you love, treat others as you want to treated, and give back.  This is nothing new.  

When my kids were two years old, I wrote the song "Head Start."

You go and visit your neighbors with kids
And brag about what yours just did
And hope her milestones measure up
Life's one big competition

Even then, I could sense that it would be very easy to fall in the hyper-competitive trap.  Fifteen years later, I hope I've dodged that bullet more often than not.

How Accurate Do Historical Films Need to Be?

Journalist Christian Caryl recently wrote a commentary in the New York Review about the movie, The Imitation Game, highlighting many of the film’s historical inaccuracies that he feels aren't trivial.  On the contrary, he contends that the film cooks up a portrayal of Alan Turing—the gay, wartime, British mathmetician who is the film’s subject—that is so far off-base, it crosses the line of artistic license and leaps into a world of artistic negligence.  He writes that the film “not only fatally miscasts Turing as a character—it also completely destroys any coherent telling of what he and his colleagues were trying to do.”  The film, he concludes, sends an “extremely distorted picture of history.”

I was intrigued to hear Caryl articulately make his point last week on NPR’s radio show, "Worldview,” along with show host Jerome McDonnell and film contributor Milos Stehlik.  At the crux of the debate was this: how accurate should historical films be, is there a line that should not be crossed, and does it really matter?

Whatever integrity Caryl built up for the first half of the show—during which he skillfully pointed out the problems with The Immitation Game—was quickly obliterated when asked about Selma, a film that's suffering similar scrutiny for its portrayal of Lyndon Johnson and Martin Luther King.  Caryl admits that the latter film takes “a lot of liberties with the history, some of which I found a little tough to swallow” and claims that people’s view of Martin Luther King with be “strongly shaped” by the movie.  Oddly, Caryl still recommends Selma.  Why?  “I thought it was just a damn good story.”

So, presumably, if the makers of The Immitation Game had simply made a better movie, then the historical errors could be overlooked?

During the show, host McDonnell didn't initially let Caryl’s inconsistencies off the hook, and asked him why he was okay with Selma.  Again Caryl answered, “You know, it’s a crackin’ good story…The Imitation Game I think is a bad story. A stupid story.”

Hmmm.  I personally don’t care what Caryl thinks is a good story vs. a bad story, and I’m thankful he’s not in a position of determining which films get made and which do not.  Whatever valid points he made in his essay were completely erased by his own inane argument on the radio.

But more distrubing to me is the following remark Caryl made: “A lot of people nowadays get their history from movies.  It’s that simple."

Excactly where he collected the data to formulate such a far-reaching claim is unknown, but it must be a sad, sad world Caryl lives in when most people with whom he interacts are clueless nincompoops.  Who are these people Caryl speaks of whose intellects are so flimsy that a two hour film can completely mold their viewpoints?  It’s true that I lean left politically and generally hate the right-wing attack on liberalism as “elitist,” but you know what?  In this case they would be correct to cry foul.  How much more elitist can one be to presume that most filmgoers (but not Caryl himself, of course) will have their sense of world history shaped by a movie?

Caryl's inconsistency and unsubstantiated claim notwithstanding, the question still lingers:  Does any of this matter?  Do films need to follow a guideline and be careful to portray history accurately? 

I'll answer the question with a series of additional questions: Is Amadeus an accurate portrayal of Mozart and Salieri?  Did Oliver Stone and Anthony Hopkins depict Nixon accurately in the film Nixon?  How about the character of Thatcher in The Iron Lady?  Or J.M. Barrie in Finding Neverland?  Oscar Schindler in Schlinder's List?  How about Hitler in Downfall?  Or Muhammad Ali in Ali?  The list goes on and on and on of films that were not meant to be the final say in a person’s life, but rather an entertaining interpretation. 

In other words, artistic. 

Huh.  Go figure.

Caryl overlooks a few other important points:

1)     All art is slanted, be it film, photographs, paintings, and yes, even documentaries (I doubt even Caryl would claim that Michael Moore’s films are objective).   And funnily enough, a film like Zero Dark Thirty which some blasted for supporting the use of torture, I found to be a film steadfastly against torture.   What?  A piece of art can conjure up multiple viewpoints?  Nah!

2)     People are not as dumb as Caryl presumably believes.  I have seen Nixon the movie.  It does not shape my viewpoint of Nixon the man in any way, shape or form.  I have not yet seen Selma, but I gotta believe it won’t shape my view of MLK more than the words and images of the Man Himself.  This brings me to my last and most important point...

3)     Historical films provide a gateway for learning more about the subject.  I knew nothing about Turing before seeing The Imitation Game (which I quite liked, by the way).  I still know little about him, but I at least have the salient facts down: Turing was a brilliant, gay man who—along with many others—helped crack the code to the Nazi’s Enigma Machine and was later arrested for having an affair with another man.  Now, that isn’t much to go on.  But you know what?  Because of the film, I may now choose to investigate further so that in time I’ll have a more complete picture of Alan Turing, The Man, instead of Alan Turing, The Character

In that sense, we owe a great debt to The Imitation Game.

Let's allow filmmakers do what they do best: entertainment us.

A Modest Tribute to Wayne Disseler

My mom’s husband of twenty-two years died yesterday, and though words are never adequate to sum up a person's life, I’d like to at least pay a modest tribute to the man my kids called grandpa.

My earliest memory of Wayne is probably from 1992, when he drove me in his truck to downtown Milwaukee to pick up a recliner that I’d left behind at an apartment on Juneau and Van Buren.  This is actually a fitting memory, because more often than not, Wayne was helping someone.  He wasn’t happy relaxing – he wanted to be doing something.  As luck would have it, I was often in need of just such a person, both at my first home in Pennsylvania and again in Illinois, where Wayne helped paint my wife’s and my bedroom, build a broom closet in the kitchen, and insulate around the radiators.  Whenever he assisted, he was a master at handing me a tool before I needed it, like a gifted nurse to a surgeon, and now everywhere I look around my home, I see little improvements that Wayne helped complete. 

It was fortuitous that Wayne – despite having been raised outside of Wisconsin – was a Packer backer, often vocally so, for it helped solidify our relationship.  Wayne’s mood often rose and fell with Green Bay’s performance.  I have a funny memory from October of 1999, when Wayne and my mom visited my young family in Pennsylvania.  The Packers were playing Tampa Bay, and the Buccaneers scored a touchdown with less than two minutes to play in the 4^th quarter to take the lead.  In disgust, Wayne couldn’t take anymore and retreated to the spare bedroom.  And then Farve did the same thing he’d done in weeks 1 and 3 that year: he drove the Packers for a game-winning touchdown!

Wayne loved hanging out with my kids, and for many years my family flew annually to Texas (where my wife had lived years earlier, and where she had earned Wayne’s nickname for her: “Alice from Dallas”).  It was here that my daughter Sarah crawled for the first time, and over the years Mom and Wayne loved showing her, Jessica and Sam their recently adopted state, from the Kennedy Museum on a very blustery February day to the Stockyards on a very hot day in July.  Some days were more low-key, spent playing in the pool, enjoying Wayne's chilli, or playing the card game sheepshead, during which Wayne would harrumph about my mother’s poor play and accuse the kids of cheating when they took a trick.

I have many other fond memories, from our trip to Clearwater, Florida, to the time Wayne and Mom babysat my twins so that Alice and I could get away for a three-day vacation, to our seeing "Damn Yankees" on Broadway.  He was always joking, always loving, and always supportive.  My kids, my wife and I were blessed to have him a part of our lives.

So long, Wayne.  Peace.

Get to the End, Already

A friend of mine has an unusual (I’m avoiding the word I’d like to use) custom of reading the endings of books prior to starting them, thereby alleviating any unwanted tension in her life.  This perplexing habit contradicts my own insistence that endings of books, plays and movies not be divulged in any circumstances save for pacifying a blubbering child (“Honest, Sammy, E.T. is going to be just fine.”).  But I learned this week that there’s another exception to the rule.

Over the past several years, my wife and I have watched – or tried watching – a multitude of TV shows that we missed over the past decade and a half by not having cable.  Countless friends and family members said we “just have to see” this show or that show, and as our enjoyment of watching SNL and The Tonight Show kept diminishing because we didn’t understand any of the pop culture references (a cableless home has its disadvantages), we decided to catch up on various shows on Netflix.

We started with Six Feet Under and gave up after a season.  Weeds?  We lasted maybe half a season.  Mad Men?  We found it depressing and mean-spirited, which seems to be a trend in critically acclaimed cable TV shows these days.  The meaner it is, the better the critiques.  Downton Abbey:  yeah, sure, it’s well done, but it’s basically a soap opera, and I kept hoping that Luke and Laura would make an appearance to spice things up a bit.

But then we heard about Breaking Bad.  Surely this must be a show worth watching.  After all, everybody and their mother was talking about it, and I heard that even Charlie Rose was in the finale.  It had to be good!

Somehow my wife and I managed the impossible and went into the series completely ignorant about the subject matter except that it involved a meth lab.  And sure enough, after trudging through the first season and a half of unsympathetic characters, blood, murder and the unseemly underbelly of American society, I didn’t care one iota about Walt and his foray into meth production.   We’d finish a show – always expertly done – and feel kind of…assaulted, similar to how I felt after watching The Silence of the Lambs way back in ’91.

But here’s the thing: I watch TV to be entertained, not assaulted.   I guess I prefer laughing to ridiculous jokes on Scrubs than I do watching a man choke another man with a chain.  Call me crazy.

But I still felt like I needed to know the ending to Breaking Bad.  I mean, I knew what was going to happen: Walt had a terminal illness, for crying out loud.  One way or another he was !!!SPOILER ALERT!!! going to die.  But I kind of wanted to see Charlie Rose (does Charlie start doing meth?  Does he end up being murdered?), so, breaking the rule, I did what I had to do: I skipped half of season two and all of season three, four and five, and went straight to the second last episode.  Sure, there were characters I didn’t know, plot lines I had to catch up on, but I was able to follow things pretty well, and in the end, none of it really mattered anyhow.  I mean, Walt did in fact !!!SPOILER ALERT!!! die.

And now with the hours and hours of my life that I saved by not watching Breaking Bad I can watch reruns of Cheers and Scrubs.  Sure, I know the endings of those shows too, but unlike Breaking Bad, at least I’ll have a few laughs along the way.

Hmmm.  Maybe my friend who reads the endings to books first isn’t so far off the mark after all.

Stuck in Comcast Hell

I’m going to preface what I’m about to write about Comcast and their wretched customer service by stating that my internet service was eventually restored to its full capability and that the technician who assisted me at my house was outstanding: he was polite, friendly and thorough.  

However, everything proceeding that visit was bungled massively.

Two Saturdays ago, my internet went off and on several times, and when it finally went back on for good, my wired connection was fine but my wireless connection was a shadow of its former self; no longer was I able to pick up a satisfactory signal from anywhere in my home except in the same room as my modem.  At various points in my house, the download speed I measured varied from 6mbps all the way down to 1mbps.  I could no longer stream any video downstairs where I’d been doing so happily for the past five months when I switched from AT&T’s U-Verse to Comcast’s Xfinity.  I rebooted my modem a few times, read Comcast’s technical page for ideas on how to rectify the problem, and ultimately drew a conclusion: my wireless modem was shot. 

It would take me 2 hours and 40 minutes to convince Comcast of his fact and get them to schedule a tech visit.

On Monday, after collecting some data, I called Comcast.  Twice.  Both times, my call was disconnected before I could speak to a live person.  I suspect this is done on purpose, as they believe speaking to people is less efficient.  I had to resort to the dreaded Live Chat “service” that’s provided by organizations who believe that the bulk of its customers are 22 year-old geeks who are too nervous to speak to a real live human being – the kind of geek who might pass a company’s selection questionnaire with flying colors, only to blow the interview due to an inability to look someone in the eye and have a real conversation.

Alas, I am forty-six, I knew that I had a blown modem, and I wanted it replaced.  Unfortunately I  had to go through the following rigmarole – nearly three hours of hell. 

November 3, 2014, 8:30AM. 

NOTE: I had a 10:15 AM meeting, I foolishly believed that an hour and a half would be ample time to finish my chat.

Maechel: Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Maechel. Please give me one moment to review your information.

PAUL_: My Issue: I've called Xfinity twice for help, but it keeps hanging up on me. My internet when on and off several times on Saturday. Now my wired service is fine, but my wifi is extremely slow. Nothing has changed on my end.

Maechel: Thanks for contacting Comcast! I look forward to helping you today.

Maechel: Hi Paul.

Maechel: I'm sorry to learn that your internet connection is not stable.

PAUL_: Hi. I tried resetting router and restarting, but no improvement

Maechel: Rest assured I will do everything within my means to address your concern today

Maechel: First, I will be asking you a series of questions regarding your account and equipment to better help us in tackling this issue of yours. Are you good with this?

PAUL_: Yep

Maechel: At the end of this chat and once all troubleshooting steps are done, we will decide whether a next level resolution is needed- that is having a field technician dispatch or swap the modem. Are we good with these resolutions?

PAUL_: Yep

Maechel: How often does Internet go down?

PAUL_: It usually doesn't at all. On Saturday it went off and on several times. Now it's been on consistently for the last 24 hours, but wifi not working properly

Maechel: To ensure that we are checking the right equipment, please provide me your CMAC or HFC MAC address located at the back of your modem.

Maechel: It will be a 12-digit number, comprising of numbers and letters, and may be separated by colons or dashes.

PAUL_: Note: I provided this info for him. 

Maechel: Thank you for providing that information.

Maechel: Are you using a separate router?

PAUL_: No - that's it.

Maechel: Let me perform a ping test to your modem to check if there are lags.

PAUL_: That's fine. The ping wired is at about 9ms

Maechel: Here is the result: 10 packets transmitted, 10 packets received, 0% packet loss

Maechel: round-trip (ms) min/avg/max/stddev = 35.0/35.74/36.3/0.393

Maechel: The result is good so far.

Maechel: Here’s what we will do no will be sending a refresh signal to your equipment so that it can sync up to our system.

Maechel: *now

Maechel: Please be advised that we will get disconnected during the process. I need an email address where I can send a reconnect link in case you are unable to return in this chat session within 4 minutes. May I have your preferred email address?

PAUL_: Note: I provided this for him.

Maechel: Thank you! Reconnect link was successfully sent to your email.

Maechel: In case we got totally disconnected, just click on the link I sent to your email so you will be routed back to me. In case somebody else entered my chat window, you will be routed to my troubleshooting partner with the chat transcript we have so you can continue where we left off.

Maechel: I’ll be sending the signal now.

NOTE: This took a long, long time.  It finished around 9:17, so already I’ve wasted 47 minutes on this ridiculous chat.  Of course, we got disconnected…

PAUL_> We're up.  You still there?

NOTE: nope.  Have to try again...

The user has joined back using Reconnect feature

analyst Geneva has entered room

Geneva> Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Geneva. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Geneva> Thanks for contacting Comcast! I look forward to helping you today.

Geneva> Hello, Paul.

NOTE: The Internet went back out just then, at 9:22AM.  You know why?  Because my modem was shot!  At 9:36 I finally got back on.  At this point I now have at most 25 minutes before I have to leave for my meeting.

The user has joined back using Reconnect feature

analyst Ma has entered room

Ma> Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Ma. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Ma> Thank you for choosing Comcast, home of Xfinity. You may just call me Maria for your convenience.

PAUL_> HI.  My internet went down again while I was chatting.  I'm back on-line, but I have to leave in 10 minutes.

Ma> I hope you are doing well. I would be more than happy to assist you with your concern today

Ma> I understand that you are not having the maximum speed that your internet service is offering. Let me go ahead and check that for you.

NOTE: So now I’m having to explain things all over again.  Thank you Comcast!

PAUL_> Wired is fine.  But wifi is really bad, especially if I walk out of the room with the router.  It was fine last week, but things stopped working well on Saturday.

Ma> Alright.

Ma> Thanks for letting me know.

Ma> Let me check your account first. May I have 2-3 minutes?

PAUL_> Sure, but I have to go in 12 minutes.  I've already been at this for 75 minutes.

Ma> I understand where you're coming from, Paul.

Ma> Let me speed up the process for you.

Ma> Paul, I am currently checking your account right now.

PAUL_> Okay.  It seems likely that something is wrong with my router.

Ma> Have you tried connecting hardwired?

NOTE: WTF????  Is there no way for her to access the previous conversation I had?  I’m doing everything in my ability not to lash out at her (him, whatever).

PAUL_> Yes, of course.  I've already said that my wired speed is fine.  Wifi is terrible.  So our phone connections are bad as is out Roku box in a different room.

Ma> Okay.

Ma> Thanks for letting me know.

Ma> Can you please run a speedtest by going to http://speedtest.comcast.net and then post the result link in the chatroom afterwards so we can compare your speeds later.

NOTE:  Holy s**t.

PAUL_> Already did this.  Wired is good, around 29mbps download.  6mpbs upload.  Wireless is the same room is around 13mbps download, 6 upload.  BUT as soon as I leave the room I get awful results.  If I'm downstairs (where it was fine before) I get .42mbps download.  Even if I'm just one room away, I get 1.91 mbps

Ma> Thanks for the doing the extra mile, Paul.

Ma> Let me do the troubleshooting steps for you so that we can figure out what's the main cause of this.

PAUL_> I have to go.  So basically this is the situation: the range of a good wifi signal has decreased dramatically.  Other than a router problem, I don't know what else it could be.  Can you please get someone to come over to my house and replace the router?  Send me a link or a phone number so I don't have to rewrite any of this information.

NOTE: it s now 9:58 AM.

Ma> Sure, I can certainly process that for you. Just please a give me a minute to furnish the note and schedule a tech visit for you.

Ma> I want to know if we are still connected. Are you still there?

PAUL_> Yes, but I'm leaving in 1 minute

Ma> May I know if you're equipment was self installed or tech installed?

PAUL_> Tech installed.  Last May I think.  Worked fine until a few days ago.

Ma> Alright. I will just furnish the note now and we're good to go.

PAUL_> I'm leaving now.  Please send email to paulheinz6@gmail.com

PAUL_> Thanks for your help

NOTE: Did she (he?) send me an email?  Of course not!  Which meant that when I arrived back home at 12:35PM, I had to start ALL OVER AGAIN!!!  I entered this next chat with much less patience than before.  Unfortunately, it would be 1 hour and 16 minutes before the chat ended.  I kept going back and forth between expressing my anger and recognizing that my chat could be “accidentally” terminated at any time.  It was a tough balancing act.

user PAUL has entered room

The user has joined back using Reconnect feature

analyst Kaye has entered room

Kaye> Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Kaye. Please give me one moment to review your information.

Kaye> I hope you are doing well. I would be more than happy to assist you with your concern today.

PAUL_> Thanks. I had to end the last chat to go to a meeting.  I don't know how much of my info you already have, but I can copy for you the chat exchanges that have already taken place.

NOTE: please note that I offered to copy my previous exchange.  She will decline this offer, which I will assume means she has access to my information.

Kaye> I understand that you are not having the maximum speed that your internet service is offering. Let me go ahead and check that for you.

PAUL_> Wait...I don't want to repeat what's already been done.  The last chat ended with "Just please a give me a minute to furnish the note and schedule a tech visit for you." But I waited and then I had to go.  So a note needs to be furnished and a tech visit scheduled.

Kaye> Let me go ahead and check for your account, Paul.

Kaye> I acknowledge the importance of a working and stable Internet connection as I also use the Internet for work and online gaming. You just reached the right person and I assure you that we will work on this together to have your connection back.

Kaye> We need to go on with some trouble shooting steps first.

NOTE: So instead of believing that my previous tech chat ended with me needing a tech visit schedule, Kaye decided to start at the very beginning.

PAUL_> But it sounds like we're starting from the beginning, and I don't want to start all of this over.  I've already chatted with THREE people and we did all of the trouble shooting.  My last chat ended with a tech visit needing to be scheduled.  Why can't we go ahead with this???

PAUL_> Here's how the last chat ended...

PAUL_> I have to go.  So basically this is the situation: the range of a good wifi signal has decreased dramatically.  Other than a router problem, I don't know what else it could be.  Can you please get someone to come over to my house and replace the router?  Send me a link or a phone number so I don't have to rewrite any of this information.

Ma> Sure, I can certainly process that for you. Just please a give me a minute to furnish the note and schedule a tech visit for you.

Ma> I want to know if we are still connected. Are you still there?

PAUL_> Yes, but I'm leaving in 1 minute

Ma> May I know if you're equipment was self installed or tech installed?

PAUL_> Tech installed.  Last May I think.  Worked fine until a few days ago.

Ma> Alright. I will just furnish the note now and we're good to go.

Kaye> Thank you for providing that information.

Kaye> I'm still checking for your account. Please stay online.

PAUL_> As I said before, to catch you up to speed, I can copy for you the chat exchanges that have already taken place.  Let me know if you'd like me to do that.

Kaye> It's fine, Paul. I'll go ahead and process a priority request for you.

NOTE: She SAYS this, but then decides to go back to the usual troubleshooting nonsense meant for people like my mother who have to technological clue.

Kaye> Have you tried connecting hardwired already?

PAUL_> Yes, of course.  I've already said that my wired speed is fine.  Wifi is terrible.  So our smartphone wifi connections are bad as is out Roku box in a different room.

PAUL_> Wired is good, around 29mbps download.  6mpbs upload.  Wireless is the same room is around 13mbps download, 6 upload.  BUT as soon as I leave the room I get awful results.  If I'm downstairs (where it was fine before) I get .42mbps download.  Even if I'm just one room away, I get 1.91 mbps

Kaye> It's because of the barriers that's why you encounter slow connection if your downstairs already.

NOTE:  Now I’m extremely pissed. 

PAUL_> No it isn't!!  Last week I was watching movies in my basement.  Now I'm getting .42mbps download!  Last week everything was fine.  This week it isn't.  Nothing has changed on my end.  Why can't I simply get someone to swap the router??  This conversation is ridiculously infuriating.

Kaye> I apologize for the inconvenience, Paul.

PAUL_> That isn't good enough.  I have spent 2 hours now "chatting" with Xfinity reps and I don't have time to spend all day on this.  Please hear me: for four months my wifi has been terrific.  But on Saturday, everything changed.  Why is that?  The only thing I can think of is the router is faulty.  A previous tech already synched up my router and it didn't improve performance.  Nothing on my end has changed.  So why has the wifi suddenly dropped to a snail's pace?

Kaye> I'm already processing a priority request here in my end. Please bear with me, Paul.

PAUL_> Can you tell me what that means?  What is a priority request?

Kaye> So that we can send a technician and fix your internet concern, Paul.

Kaye> I will need to have the speed test result for this. So that I can include it on my notes to have a priority request.

PAUL_> I already sent you speed test results.

PAUL_> When I'm about 20 feet away with no walls in between, I get 48ms ping, 2.22 Mbps and 5.96 Mbps upload.  The upload speed is pretty good, but the download is drastically low.

Kaye> Can you run speed test as of this moment? http://speedtest.comcast.net.

NOTE: I’d already done this, but felt at this point that I needed to mollify Kaye.

PAUL_> From where?  Right next to the router or a distance away?

Kaye> A distance away.

PAUL_> Just did it 20 feet away with no walls or doors in between me and the router.  The results are: ping 36ms, download speed 2.57 Mbps and upload speed 6.00 Mbps

Kaye> Can you please send the result link?

NOTE: There was no obvious way to do this from my phone.  From my computer, yes, but not the phone.

PAUL_> How?  I just did the test on my phone and gave you the numbers.  How would I send a link?

Kaye> Okay, Paul.

Kaye> Allow me a moment to process your request.

NOTE: after ten minutes I sent the following…

PAUL_> Can you give me an estimate of how long this will take?

Kaye> Just give me 3-4 minutes.

NOTE: this was at 1:14

Kaye> I apologize for the late reply, Paul.

Kaye> I'm still on the process.

Kaye> Can I have the exact day when you experience the issue?

NOTE: AHHHHHH!

PAUL_> Saturday.  The Internet went off and on a number of times.  I thought it might be because of the strong winds on Friday. The connection went back on for good I think on Saturday night.

NOTE: it’s now 1:25

Kaye> Okay.

Kaye> Thank you for providing that information.

Kaye> Is this a self installed or the technician installed your equipment.

NOTE: by now I’m banging my head against my desk.  I’d already provided this information HOURS ago.

PAUL_> I already sent you this information.  A technician installed it last May, I believe.

Kaye> Thanks you. I apologize for asking the question again.

PAUL_> Fifteen minutes ago, you said you would need another 3 or 4 minutes.  In order for me to properly schedule my work, can you now give me a realistic estimate of how much more time this is going to take?

Kaye> I apologize for the delay. I'm already trying to speed up the process.

PAUL_> That's not the question: the question I'm asking is can you please give me a realistic estimate of how much more time this is going to take? If you tell me 30 minutes, then I at least know that it might take 30 minutes.  You told me 3 or 4, so I assumed it would take 3 or 4 minutes.  Now please give me a realistic estimate.

Note: it’s now 1:31PM

Kaye> This will be done with in 5 minutes. Please bear with me.

NOTE: um…no.  I would not be done in five minutes.

Kaye> The soonest schedule that we have is on Tuesday with in 3:00-5:00 p,

Kaye> I can see that you would like me to provision this modem to our customer's account which I can surely help you with. Did I get this right?

Kaye> Sorry for the typo.  Please disregard that last message.

NOTE: Clearly, Kaye is dealing multiple customers as once, which is in Comcast’s mind a better way to go, since a phone call you can only effectively deal with one customer at a time.  In my mind, Comcast blew it.

Kaye> Is 3:00-5:00 okay with you?

PAUL_> Okay.  So tomorrow between 3 and 5?  Unfortunately I have to leave at 4 tomorrow.  If they can be here at 3 it would be okay.  Otherwise, is there a time on Wednesday?

Kaye> Yes there is. We have 8:00-10:00am . Is that fine?

PAUL_> Perfect.

Kaye> That's great! I will be taking the 8:00-10:00am for you.

Kaye> This is your priority number (she gave me a priority number)

Kaye> So everything is set?

Kaye> Is there anything else I could assist you with today?

PAUL_> Tell me now what happens.  Will I get a phone call?  If I need to contact Xfinity regarding the tech visit, who should I call?

Kaye> Yes. The technician will call you before the tech visit. You can chat us back if you want to inquire regarding the tech visit.

PAUL_> This chat lasted 1 hour and 20 minutes to get a priority request.

PAUL_> Unbelievable.

Kaye> You can also call this number 1-800-XFINITY

Kaye> I apologize for the inconvenience, Paul.

PAUL_> I tried calling twice this morning, and I got hung up on twice.  That's why I ended up spending several hours chatting.

Kaye> It seems that our hotline number has a maximum number of calls that is why they were not able to attend with your request. Nothing to worry. You will have the technician on Wednesday.

NOTE: that is complete bulls**t

PAUL_> Okay.  So I'll hear from tech on Wednesday and expect to see them between 8 and 10AM.

Kaye> Exactly!

Kaye> Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

PAUL_> No thanks.

Kaye> If you need future assistance, we are available 24 hours a days and 7 days a week. Thank you for choosing Comcast for your entertainment needs. We appreciate your business and value you as a customer! Our goal is to provide you with a consistently superior customer experience – that’s our guarantee. Learn more about the Comcast Customer Guarantee at http://www.comcast.com/corporate/Customers/CustomerGuarantee.html?fss=customer%20guarantee

(CHAT ENDED AT 1:51PM)

Two days later a tech came – real nice guy, and did some things on the outside of the house to make sure I had the best connection.  Of course, in the end all I needed was a new modem as I knew all along, but whatever.  At least things were working, right?  And then…

…I realized that I didn’t have phone service.  The light on the modem just blinks and blinks.  No dial tone.

user PAUL has entered room

analyst Renelie has entered room

Renelie: Hello PAUL_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Renelie. Please give me one moment to review your information.

PAUL_: My Issue: Comcast tech just swapped a faulty modem today for a good one in my home. We checked the Internet (which was the problem) and that's great, but now I have no phone. Phone modem light flashing, and my phone is plugged directly into modem.

Renelie: I'm sorry to know that your Xfinity home phone service is not working at the moment, Paul. I rely on my phone for important calls myself, and I wouldn't want any interruptions either.

Renelie: You've reached the right person. I will personally work on this today. Let’s see what is going on and get this fixed for you.

Renelie: I will be asking a couple of questions to troubleshoot the issue and so that we can get to the bottom of this. Is that alright?

PAUL_: You bet.

Renelie: Thank you for your cooperation. May I have the affected Comcast phone number please?

PAUL_: I'm at (I provided my telephone number)

Renelie: Thank you for providing that information.

Renelie: Can you check if the TEL 1 light on the new modem is lit?

PAUL_: Tel 1 is flashing, once per second.

Renelie: Thank you for checking. Allow me to send an activation hit to the modem to reset and refresh the equipment and the line.

Renelie: We will get interrupted on this chat once this action is made. However, please do not close this chat session since we will be reconnected once the device is back online, okay?

PAUL_: Sounds good.

Renelie: Before that, can you please unplug your phone from the modem for now? I need the TEL 1 port to be empty.

PAUL_: Okay. It's unplugged.

Renelie: Thanks. I will reset the modem now.

PAUL_: I already did that, but if you want to try again go ahead

NOTE: Reset started at 4:02.  Took until 4:12

user PAUL_ has left room

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user PAUL has entered room

Renelie: Great! I can see that the reset has been successful. Let's give the modem a minute more to complete registration.

PAUL_: Okay. Let me know when you'd like me to plug the phone back in.

Renelie: Please replug your phone to the TEL 1 port now and confirm if you are already getting a dial tone.

PAUL_: It worked this time. Got a tone. You think I should be good to go?

She said I was (I forgot to copy this part of the chat) and then gave an ill-timed sales pitch for cable, which I don't have. 

So...what’s the take away from all of this? To me, Comcast clearly has its collective head stuck up its collective ass.  And they owe me three hours of my life back.  Here’s their customer guarantee:

We will quickly address any problem you experience.

Comcast’s definition of “quickly” is clearly not the same as mine.