Is Your Family Brunch-Close?

At a bed and breakfast in Asheville a few weeks ago my wife and I met a couple from Maryland, and over breakfast one morning we exchanged a CliffsNotes version of our lives: place of birth, occupation, residence, family members and the like. After learning that the couple’s daughter lived in New York, I said, “That’s not too bad. Fairly close to Maryland.”

“Yes,” answered the mother. “But she’s not brunch-close. People tell me how lucky I am that she’s not in California or some other state far away, but it’s not like we can get together for brunch on Sundays.”

Brunch-close. Precisely. That’s what I want. Instead, I have a daughter who lives five hours away, a son who lives six hours away, and another daughter who lives…well, a four-hour plane ride away (I’ve never gotten the gumption to drive to Los Angeles). The mother from Maryland’s point is well-taken; even five hours away is four hours too far to get together for a Sunday brunch.

I’ve lamented before that I raised three kids only to have them move away. Perhaps if my wife and I had refused to pay for out-of-state universities we’d have had a fighting chance, but we did well enough financially that we basically gave our children a green light to drift away, an irony that isn’t lost on me; I’d gladly reduce our 401k balance by half if it meant having our three children live nearby. Guess we mucked that one up!

The geographical distance between family members has other ramifications: it means we vacation less. When my wife and I lived on the east coast, we’d travel to Milwaukee, Chicago and Dallas regularly to see family, and with only two weeks of vacation allowed per year by our employers, that’s pretty much all we could do aside from a weekend camping trip. Now that our children have grown and moved far away, most of our vacation time is spent visiting our children in their respective locations.

Last week a friend of mine suggested that we meet some friends in Portugal next summer – a lovely idea. But we’re planning on visiting family in January (New York), March (Arizona) and April (Ohio), watching our son graduate from college in May (Ohio) and attending my daughter’s wedding in October (California), undoubtedly interspersed with other trips to see our other daughter (Kentucky). So sure, we can go to Portugal next summer, but it probably means we see our children less, a lousy trade-off to have to make.

I know. Such are the problems of a healthy, married, middle-aged white guy with solid financials. In the words of Joe Walsh from his classic song, “Life’s Been Good”:

I can’t complain but sometimes I still do

Yep. Nothing’s going to stop me until my kids live close.

Enter Empty-Nesterdom

I’ve recently joked with some friends of mine: “I’ll be an empty-nester in September.  When you see a flare, come with a few beers and rescue me.”

This Friday my wife and I enter Empty-Nesterdom.  For the first time since December of 1996, when a bout of nausea prompted us to stop by CVS for a quick pregnancy test, we will no longer devote a large percentage of thought and energy to our children.  At least not all the time.  Granted, our son’s increasingly independent lifestyle over the last number of years has gradually given my wife and me more time on our own, and we’ve slowly grown accustomed to what life might look like on the other side, but I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have a degree of trepidation about the future.  None of our kids will be an easy drive away, and one isn’t even an easy flight away.  We won’t be able to plan a spontaneous lunch or walk with our kids.  Every visit will have to be crosschecked against multiple calendars and planned in advance.  When our twin girls left for school five years ago, we ended up seeing one of them once a semester (Kentucky) and the other once a year (California).  Cincinnati will similarly limit our visits, and we may go for long periods of time without seeing any of them.

Although my three kids are doing pretty well, I’ve found that having adult children leads to a different sort of parental anxiety, because adult children have adult problems.  Gone are the days when their spirits could be lifted merely by me picking them up and jumping up and down.  God, I loved those days.  I love these days too for sure.  It’s just more uncertain, and I of course have little to no control of the situation.  Last week I looked over a 401k rollover procedure for my daughter, and I was happy to actually contribute something of value.   I love it when there’s a right answer to a problem. 

Mostly, though, it’s not so simple.  A while back, the psychotherapist and author Lori Gottlieb wrote a great article in The Atlantic called “How to Land Your Kid in Therapy.”  It’s nearly a decade old now, but the revelations still ring true: that as parents we’ve overprotected our children to the extent that they experience difficulty in their twenties and thirties, so unable are they to handle challenges, to be resilient in the face of difficulties.  The article is well-summarized by the following sentence: “…many parents will do anything to avoid having their kids experience even mild discomfort, anxiety, or disappointment, with the result that when, as adults, they experience the normal frustrations of life, they think something must be terribly wrong.”

This was written in 2011 when the worries of much of the world paled in comparison to what young people face today.  We’re asking an awful lot of young adults to handle the adversities of COVID-19, a sinking economy, isolation, cancelled school, melting icecaps, political divisiveness, mean-spirited leaders, hateful mob mentality gone rampant online, and a whole host of other concerns, when we as adults set them up for failure to overcome life’s great challenges.

I’d like to think that my wife and I didn’t fall into the overprotective parenting trap, but I’m sure I’m fooling myself.  I’m sure I sent one to many emails to their teachers over the years and had my kids check in too often when they were out.  Ultimately, we probably did okay, but I believe that my children are up to the task of weathering life’s great challenges likely in spite of their upbringing rather than because of it.  It’s not going to be easy, but I believe that they’ll be among those who navigate these treacherous times, not with perfection, but with perseverance.

But a larger question looms: will my wife and I be up to the task?  Will we find balance, meaning and determination absent the diversion of active parenting? 

Stay tuned.

Radio Essay on Milwaukee's NPR Station

My essay on Charging Children as Adults appeared on Milwaukee's NPR station, WUWM, 89.7 on May 15, 2014.  Check it out.

Yes you can: Open an IRA for your Child

Money seems to be a preoccupation of mine these days, which is ridiculous, as there are more important things to consume one’s time, like albums, ping-pong and baseball.  But one aspect of money management I’ve embraced recently is one that every parent should at least consider: opening Roth IRAs for your children. 

Back in college, when my friend Mark announced that he’d just opened an IRA, not only did I not know what an IRA was, but once explained to me, I didn’t understand what the hurry was.  After all, I was still visiting the TYME machine (ATM to those of you from outside Wisconsin) three times a night to buy “just one more” pitcher of Hamm’s; the only foresight I possessed was drinking a glass of water to minimize the inevitable hangover the following morning.

Over time, I learned about saving early and saving often, and by now my family has reaped the benefits of this strategy, but I could no doubt be in a better position had I started saving prior to obtaining a full-time job after college graduation.  As a father of three, I’ve looked for ways to get my kids on the right track earlier than I did, particularly since debt accumulation is higher than ever and wages for many careers are stagnant.  Saving money might be more important for those currently in their teens and 20s than it ever was for those currently in their 40s and 50s.

Enter the custodial Roth IRA.  Yes, your kids can open an IRA (or, more accurately, you can open one for them if they’re under age 18).  Any money your kids earn up to $5500 this year can be put into an IRA.  That doesn’t mean your child can’t spend or save the money she’s earned this year; my two daughters earned small amounts in 2013, and they were allowed to spend or save that money as they saw fit, but I matched their amounts and put it into their respective IRA accounts.  Some companies don’t allow you to open up a custodial IRA – Fidelity is one example – and some brokerage firms require minimums that my 16 year-olds couldn’t reach, but there are several options to fit most people’s needs.  I ended up opening accounts through E*Trade, though I could just as easily have opened accounts at TRowe Price, Vanguard, Charles Schwab or TD Ameritrade. 

The idea of course is twofold: get your kids to become accustomed to saving (even if they’re currently not flipping the bill, they’re learning that saving for one’s retirement is important), and start growing their money.  My daughters only earned $900 and $1500, respectively, in 2013.  But if they manage to earn 7% for the next 50 years, that money will grow to $26,511 and $44,186.  Not a bad start.

If you can’t afford to match your children’s income in total, perhaps come up with a compromise and have your kids save a portion of their savings and you match that portion.  Even a couple of hundred dollars is better than nothing, and there are funds that will allow you to open an IRA for as little as $100.

One note: you can only invest legitimate earnings, so keep good records of your child’s income and file a tax return even if they don’t have any withholdings to recoup.  One of my daughters earned all of her income by babysitting and doing other odd jobs that didn’t require a W2 or generate a 1099, but I still had her fill out a tax return (form 1040EZ only took her 5 minutes to complete).  Throughout the year, I kept track of all of her earnings on an Excel spreadsheet and included it with my tax records.

There are great resources to get you up to speed on opening Roth IRAs for your children.  Three than I perused before taking the plunge are below:

http://www.forbes.com/sites/baldwin/2011/04/18/make-your-kid-rich-with-a-roth-ira/

http://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/110713/benefits-starting-ira-your-child.asp

http://www.kiplinger.com/article/saving/T046-C001-S001-give-the-gift-of-a-roth-ira.html

Now start keeping track of your children's savings, open up an IRA, select an index mutual fund, and watch it grow.